The Mask

The Mask

The thoughts that follow any bad decision are what you’d expect.

Guilt.

Sadness.

Regret.

My mind is consumed with all three.

But what hurts me,

tears me down,

breaks me,

Is the hatred.

The guilt and regret don’t amount to nearly as much 

as the feelings of hatred towards myself.

My eyes threaten to spill tears,

My mouth threatens to let out sobs,

My hands threaten to shake

As I take in what I’ve done.

Process it.

Question it.

Hate it.

Hate. Me.

But I keep everything in.

I go about my day and try to conceal the illness behind dark eyes and a fake smile.

But behind the mask is a girl who is tired.

Tired of living in hatred.

Tired of spending every second thinking about how ugly she is

Inside and out.

But nothing changes.

Succumb

Succumb

My thoughts blur as I make a choice I know I shouldn’t.

Foolishness getting the best of me yet again.

There will always be a next time,

A next occasion,

A next moment 

Where I’m presented with two options

And face one decision.

At least, that’s what I tell myself.

So I push past the voice of reason,

Push through the doubt

Push away the angel on my shoulder

In favor of the devil.

I grab whatever it is I hope will fix my broken pieces,

But know deep down will only cause my glass to further shatter.

My desire is satiated,

But my guilty conscious looms.

I tuck it away before it can convince me to change my ways,

And grab more of what will feed my craze.

Interchangeable

Interchangeable

Two feelings

One goal

Is it possible to know which one rings true,

And which one is playing games?

Desire creeps from my stomach,

Crawls up my throat,

Invades my brain.

Deep.

Dark.

Unrelenting.

I’m too far gone to differentiate,

Or am I just trying to convince myself that this

Deep

Dark

Unrelenting 

Cloud looming over me is just hunger,

Not desire,

The one trying to fool me into succumbing to its vicious ways.

The two words become one,

interchangeable,

As I let my foolishness win.

I let desire win.

As I numbly venture to find something to fill the holes I can’t permanently fix.