Body Image Issues Make Me Feel Isolated?

Hello loves <3

     Two days ago was my first day of gym (of this year), well it was the first real day where we actually have to change into gym clothes and do the warm-up, etc.

     

     So the warm-up at my school involves 14 stations, each being 1 minute, and you and your group rotate from station to station. There is one station involving scooters - the kind you sit on instead of stand, and hold on to the handle bars on the side and push with your feet. You do as many circles around the gym with your scooter as you can in a minute, or you can jog the perimeter. 

     My group decided to jog around. So we all start running and in less than 10 seconds, everyone is ahead of me.  20 seconds - I'm behind the rest of my group, trying to catch up. 40 seconds - someone is one complete lap ahead of me and the rest still somewhere in front. I felt so out of place. All these girls running together and I'm behind them, my face practically tomato red. 

     I literally felt like all eyes were on me. And I just wanted to GET OUT OF THERE. Run right through those doors and straight into the huge mass of trees. That minute was one of the longest in my life. I was the odd one out, the oddball. The one everyone notices, and not in a good way. 

     I feel so out of place in gym. A majority of the girls were wearing shorts, I was in leggings. And the ones wearing leggings were wearing the ones that come up to your shins while I was wearing ones that looks like they were connected to my shoes because I don't have the "cool" ones. I didn't feel like my sneakers were as cool as everyone else's. All these long, tan, and toned legs around me while I'm trying to cover my legs up. The shirt I was wearing was a bit tighter than I'd have liked and I felt like it showed my belly fat. All in all, gym is not where I want to be.

     In the past, I've written posts about weight. And I feel like I feel better about myself then I did when I wrote them, but events like this happen and I don't know if I can take it. I feel alone, and out of place. I was miserable in just that one minute. And by the end of the warm-up it felt like I was sweating so much more than everyone else. And I hate it. I hate it so much.

     Writing this was hard. I don't want to come off as someone who just thinks about themselves, I'm just expressing what I felt in that moment. I created this blog to write, and that's what I'm doing, so I might as well be truthful :) 

     The constant reminders of "What are you talking about? You're beautiful." or "You're talking complete nonsense, you're not fat." from friends and family don't do anything to change my mind. They just make me feel worse because I know they're not true.

     I have gym again tomorrow andI don't want to feel that way again. Or ever.

     Yes, I have body image issues. And yes, I hope they go away with time. And yes, I want to work to get the body I want and know I can achieve. It's just moments like these that I feel so isolated and ugly and that just ends with me being unhappy. And I don't like being unhappy. So, if you have any motivational tips, please share them with everyone in the comments.

     If you ever want to talk, please email me:  harelrziv@gmail.com

     Thank you for reading and I'll talk to you soon.

*computer hug*